Jamie Oliver

Jamie Oliver is a cockney dwarf and part-time chef. He was the original creator of the Sandvich, which he takes pride in. He was knighted by The Queen for his invaluable efforts as a hypocritical twat who doesn't shut up every single day of his life.

Early Life
He was born in 1907 to the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man and Colonel Sanders of KFC. After they fed him extremely healthy things that 30-something women who go on useless diets eat, he became so thin that it is thought his lack of fat in his body caused brain damage. When Jamie was 7, he realised he was a cunt and to act upon this, he decided to piss off various food officials, morbidly fat children and television viewers for the rest of his life.

1920-2012: The Cunt Years
Jamie began his first TV show "A Cunt Makes Barely-Edible Shit" in 1920. This show was recieved with great critical acclaim, with Shelagh Delaney calling it "fucking unbearable". He followed up that successful series with his arguably most famous series in 1923: "Two Twats, One Cunt", inwhich he was joined by offical twats Bob Geldof and Piers Morgan to make exciting smoothies. This series was cancelled after two episodes due to concerns that it's viewers were losing the will to live.

In 1928, after numerous successful TV shows such as "Cooking Cunt" "Cunting Cunt" and "Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt", Jamie decided to go in a different direction and after voyaging on a sentimental journey under the guidance of the Dalai Llama, Jamie made his travel documentary series "A Cunt Abroad". In this, Jamie travelled to different exotic countries such as Soviet Russia, Portugal and Essex in the hope of spreading his vulgar twatiness to them. Fortunately, while in Mexico, Jamie came across the Grylls Portal and was sucked into it's titanic force into a forest somewhere covered in piss and a camera crew. He wasn't seen again till 1975 when he reappeared upon our televisual sets to host his new show "The Cunts" which starred Jamie, Jamie's wife Jamietta and his many children Jamie the Second, Jamie the Third and Buddy Fucking Bear. Jamie thought in his own neanderthal-esque way that by using his family, he would look less like a cunt. He was wrong, and 37 years later he still remains a cunt. WHEN WILL THE TORTURE STOP? WHEN? WWWWHHHHEEEENNNN?