Randolph Dickery-Dock

Randolph Cedric Dickery-Dock is the current president of the SFWCSTR Jordan Branch. He was elected in 1572 and has ever since sat in his own filth on the president's chair at the SFWCSTR HQ. He is not the most popular of all the presidents of the SFWCSTR, with Norm Alguy giving one of his only opinions of all time by calling Randolph "A cunt".

Early Life
Randolph was born in 1 BC to a 13 year old girl called Rodger in Tunisia. He is the result of a one night stand between Rodger and Al Pacino. Randolph's early life was at first not particularly great. He was left on the streets of Cuntinburgh by Rodger in 1234 and after meeting Mohammed "Float Like A Big Turd, Sting like Anal" Ali, he created the Google Search Engine. Many nightclubs, orgies, threesomes and public toilets later, Randolph was a star. In 1257, he married Steve Gates and Bill Jobs concurrently. Though, upon learning both were utterly incapable of using computers, he divorced both. He then lived a lonely life in Cuntinburgh until he learnt of the SFWCSTR. Almost orgasmicly excited, he joined up and worked up the ranks to become the president of the Jordan Branch. After a Facebook campaign for making Randolph the star of Lynx adverts failed in 1899, it seemed like he would stay as president forever... Oh, and he has. So far...

Health
He is more or less completely immobile and he is so delicate that if he is touched he will immediately turn into Smarties. He is also a very ill man, and he has been since 1945. His intestines no longer work so he employs a man to come to the HQ weekly and, with rubber gloves provided, pull out all of Randolph's excrement. His vocal chords have snapped due to the Great Flood of '66 so he uses a synthesiser from 1979 to transmit what he has to say through the medium of Gary Numan-esque synth sounds. A very sexual man, his penis hasn't worked since 1967 and so Flumpen Knickenwonka is the lucky fellow who gets to pump his own blood into Randolph's manhood in order to make it erect. Randolph has lost the sense of taste and smell (in 1930 and 1982, respectively) and his left hand used to be belong to Captain Hook himself, Abu Hamza. For all this effort, Randolph is actually a bit of a twat.