Flumpen Knickenwonka

Saint. Flumpen Knickenwonka is the tea boy for the SFPWCSTR. Born 1978, aged 6 he was diagnosed with Oompa-Loompa syndrome and by the time he was 10, his skin had turned completely orange and his hair green. Struggling to cope with this setback after his family disowned him, he joined the SFPWCSTR.

Early Life
As a child in Soviet Russia, Flumpen was often teased by young Russian gangs because of his larger-than-average head. Aged 5 he was briefly abducted by Josef Fritzl and after being saved from certain doom by Superted, he developed a severe case of Fritzl Syndrome. His mother went to Boots and got some cream for him to rub on himself and as if by magic, the Fritzl Syndrome dissapeared. Sadly, things got worse for Flumpen. After 15 suicide attempts, he was diagnosed with Oompa-Loompa syndrome when he was 6. At first things were fine, but by the time he was 8 he was sporadically quoting lyrics from the Oompa-Loompa song. By the age of 10, he had become a full Oompa-Loompa and after becoming a regular in many Soho clubs, he met Boris Johnson, who offered him a advertising deal with Tetley Tea. Flumpen accepted, aged just 13, and a famous 1992 Tetley advert that is often repeatedly on late nights on ITV3 showed Flumpen, in Oscar Wilde's words:"Being chained to a bomb and abused sexually, verbally and pshycologically.". Many people, upon watching this advert, became seriously angry.

Post-Tetley
After escaping Tetley Tower in Zimbabwe, he decided to join the SFPWCSTR because his Tetley-related experiences had left him with THE IMPEDIMENT. He at first applied to be the chairman of the society, but he didn't have the 6 brain cells required. Instead, he was made tea boy was a in-joke which is often the subject of many arguments on internet forum boards by lonely fifty-something men. Since becoming tea boy, he has sprouted 15 more legs due to stress but these were removed by clowns and dogs in a freak accident involving left-handed scissors, two balloons, an axe and a tin of tuna.

Flumpen stated in a Radio Four interview that his favourite colour is Zinnober and his favourite movie is Jurassic Park.

Involvement in the Great War
The other members of the SFPWCSTR initially decided not to break the news of the advent of the Great War to Flumpen in fear of Flumpen wetting himself just like in the Great Flood of '66. Unfornately, through his Bebo (Remember that?) account he discovered that the Great War had began and he immediately offered his help to the rest of the SFPWCSTR (after wetting himself, of course). This offer was declined because the SFPWCSTR thought that bringing Flumpen along with them to Mount Doom would just cause trouble. Flumpen was instead left at the SFPWCSTR HQ making tea, drawing dinosaurs and pissing aimlessly.